When change doesn’t come easy
Have you ever wondered why it can be so hard to change, even when you know your habits or patterns aren’t serving you? Why you never feel good enough, even when your life looks good to others, and you are surrounded by people who care about you? Why you are drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, or have a hard time trusting others? Why you spend time and energy looking after everyone else, while secretly wondering, what about me?
The role of our upbringing
Our earliest relationships shape the way we see ourselves, other people, and the world around us. While no childhood is perfect, psychologists have identified several core emotional needs that should be met to help children grow into confident, emotionally healthy adults. Fortunately, humans are incredibly resilient; if some of these needs are not fully met, we adapt. Those adaptations help us through difficult circumstances, but can later become patterns that keep us stuck.
How we cope with unmet needs
A very common coping response is avoidance. If, deep down, I believe I am unlovable, why would I “risk” going on dates, or opening up to others? If I carry the believe that I am a failure, why would I apply for that job, participate in that course, learn that skill? We avoid being vulnerable or attempting things that matter to us because it feels safer. However, in doing so, the belief continues to hold strong.
Another common coping response is overcompensation. If I’m worried others may leave me once they realise I’m not worth much, I might be drawn to people-pleasing behaviours, always putting others first. Or I might work extra hard to gain approval or attention, becoming highly focused on achievement, success, appearance or status – not because these things truly fulfil me, but because they temporarily quiet that feeling of not being enough. I might also set extremely high standards for myself, struggle with perfectionism, and find it hard to relax.
And sometimes we live as though these painful beliefs are simply facts. A person who was made to feel worthless as a child may unconsciously gravitate towards relationships where they’re treated the same way. They may stay in jobs that leave them unhappy or tolerate behaviour they’d never accept for someone they love – because they don’t believe they deserve better.
How we begin to heal
Perhaps you’ve already spent years trying to change. You’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, challenged your thoughts, or worked hard to change your behaviour, yet somehow you find yourself slipping back into the same patterns. That’s often because these patterns aren’t simply habits: they’re rooted in deeply held beliefs about yourself and others that developed over many years and come with automatic thoughts and emotions. Real change takes more than insight alone.
Schema Therapy is designed to help you understand where these patterns came from, recognise how they continue to show up in everyday life, and gradually replace them with healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. Together, you and your therapist identify the underlying beliefs and coping styles that are keeping you stuck, while also working towards meeting the emotional needs that may have gone unmet earlier in life.
This involves more than talking. Therapy can include practical behavioural experiments, exercises to strengthen self-compassion and healthy boundaries, and experiential techniques such as imagery, which allow people to revisit painful memories in a safe and supported way. The goal isn’t to erase the past, but to reduce its influence, so that your choices are guided less by old survival strategies and more by what matters to you now.
If you’d like to know more please contact us here.
The Psychological Health Centre is also offering the option to practice this in a group therapy setting.
